30 Day Challenge. Here We Go. Day 2

Day 2 - Where Do You Want to be in 10 Years?

Ten years is along time from now but considering I've wasted about the last ten years of my life due to a mental setback I will basically want what I thought I would have by now. Or basically as my goals have somewhat changed over the years. Now that I am much better at knowing myself and dealing with life on life's terms. Considering that I am in the process of beginning to buy a home one thing I would definitely like to have accomplished is having my beautiful home paid by at least 1/3 , 10 years on a 30 year loan. I should also have a bachelors degree in Psychology and have at least a couple of years working a career and possibly off of the disability that I'm currently receiving. Hopefully I am no longer needing to take any medications on a daily basis due to the fact that I will know how to effectively deal with stressful situations. I can hope that by then I am settled down with a loving man who treats me like a queen. And that I fall in love everyday. One thing for sure is that I'll be helping my 2 oldest children learn to live as adults and help them do well in college and choose a good life. They should not need to go through the struggles that I have gone through. I learned and recovered for them. My new son will be turning 10 so I will be involved with his schooling and sports. It'd be nice to be a part of the PTA and to help out with sport activities without anxieties and fears. The most important place I wanna be in clean and serene with 10+ yrs of recovery, still involved with AA/NA as much as possible. I'd also like to speak publicly and write a book about addiction to help otherss who suffer and have not yet found their way. This is hard for me right now because at this time I'm just trying to maintain and get by one day at a time. Who can really tell what the future of 10 yrs holds and promises but I do hope I'm happy and content with whatever life gives me.

Thanksgiving Post 2013

GoodLightscraps.com

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am going to do a GRATEFUL for post. So what is it that I am grateful for?

I am grateful to be alive

Grateful for the relationships I have

Especially the one that just begun

And the ones I fell far from and was found again this year

Grateful for the roof over my head, the one that is all mines

Grateful for all my therapists that have helped me find myself this year

Grateful that my children are safe

And grateful that they love me no matter how far away

For all the people who have stood by my side

That I made it a year being single, it was kind of a goal of mine and that my ex and I have made peace and can be friends

Thankful that I haven’t lost anything this year, my bad I lost an important person but I’m still grateful

Grateful for the VA hospital

Thankful I found a religion that works for me and that I’m not afraid to share it

Grateful there are so many good songs out this year

And with that the TV shows I watch are killer, glad I have that entertainment

And well mostly I am thankful for being ALIVE!and blogging!

Now I wish to know what it is you are thankful for. Have a wonderful THANKSGIVING!!!

5 for Five

Well Happy Thanksgiving my lovies. I can’t believe this year is almost over. Yeah I’m a day behind but I am certainly not missing 5 for Five. So for last week and how I did. Green for completion, red for failure.

Goal #1 – Pack unneeded items, seriously. I did clear out some trash. J

Goal #2 – Arrange my living room with room to stack the boxes since the furniture I sold will be out today.

Goal #3 – Clean my house, thoroughly.

Goal #4 – Finish the Scrivener Tutorial and import my BOS files.

Goal #5 – Buy a new charger for my Galaxy. (It’ll be my 3^rd one, L)

Now this weeks 5 awesome goals

#1 Have a great Thanksgiving, and I hope you all do the same. J

#2 Buy the charger for my Galaxy, not having it is killing me.

#3 Talk to a few people in my family, after all it’s a holiday.

#4 Work on BOS project I’ve got going on.

#5 Blog. perhaps about my holiday. My boyfriend and I are throwing it together at the last minute.

Thanks for stopping by and checking out my goals. Please subscribe, follow or whatever it is you do.

Thanks lovies.

5 for Five

Hello everyone. Last week went by so fast I missed doing my goals on Monday, but hey that just gave me 2 weeks to complete them. Here I am today, with how I did the last time and what I’m going to do this time. Red for failure, green for accomplished.

Goal #1 – Blog something, even if it’s only link-ups for a while. I gave up writing about 2 months ago but I shouldn’t have. If linking up is all I can manage for now, so be it. L

Goal #2 – Work on organizing my new project, my BOS. Finally I figured out a way to scrapbook again. (I gave that up a few years ago) J

Goal #3 – Start packing my house so I can move. No sense waiting till the very last minute. L

Goal #4 – I finally got a Sponsor to help me with my addiction. I’m bad at calling people so my goal is to call her! J

Goal #5 – And finally do the homework she assigned me to do. J

Now my GOALS for this week, hopefully I come back next week. J

Goal #1 – Pack unneeded items, seriously.

Goal #2 – Arrange my living room with room to stack the boxes since the furniture I sold will be out today.

Goal #3 – Clean my house, thoroughly.

Goal #4 – Finish the Scrivener Tutorial and import my BOS files.

Goal #5 – Buy a new charger for my Galaxy. (It’ll be my 3^rd one, L)

That’s it, come back next week to see how I did and link-up for yourself. Leave me a comment letting me know you did so I can check out your goals. HAPPY BLOGGING.

5 for Five

I’m going to link up with 5 for Five because I finally seen it was still here or back or something last week and I really miss doing it.

I didn’t set any goals last week so let’s jump right in and set some for the week of November 4^th, 2013. OMG am I the only one surprised it’s November?

Goal #1 – Blog something, even if it’s only link-ups for a while. I gave up writing about 2 months ago but I shouldn’t have. If linking up is all I can manage for now, so be it.

Goal #2 – Work on organizing my new project, my BOS. Finally I figured out a way to scrapbook again. (I gave that up a few years ago)

Goal #3 – Start packing my house so I can move. No sense waiting till the very last minute.

Goal #4 – I finally got a Sponsor to help me with my addiction. I’m bad at calling people so my goal is to call her!

Goal #5 – And finally do the homework she assigned me to do.

Well that’s my 5 for Five, what’s yours? Check back next week to see how I did and check out my new goals.

Haha

I just totally did that link-up wrong. O'well it's another tired day for me and I am not functioning correctly. Next week I'll do that shit right, damn it. :) For now I shall head to bed and pray I don't randomly pass out tomorrow. Night ladies and gents.

Here's a pic to make this post worth it!

What's Up Wednesday

click to get Orkut Myspace what's up Comments & Graphics

Hey ya'll! It's Wednesday and I've been a major slacker, but since it's time for What's Up I suppose I can share why.

First of all, Happy Patriot Day. I hope everyone has a glorious day although I know way too many are not. I'm actually in a so-so mood myself. I always have a rough 9/11, but my thoughts are with everybody out there in America today and I send my prayers and blessings.

This is actually my 1st year out of the hospital on this day for quite a long time. I get very depressed, it has taken me this long to figure out that our bodies and time are in sync, so when a bad time of year starts rolling around our mind picks up on it even if we are unaware of the thoughts causing the sadness. But this year I paid attention because I did become aware of why and when my depression was beginning. And today being Patriot day does not mean I'm free and clear, nor that my emotional stress is over. Today is actually the very beginning. I think I'll make it this time, many thanks to my 5 therapists right now, and I hope all of you find a way for you to make it through too.

On to What's Up in my life. As I mentioned above I have 5 therapists. Yep I am finally facing all those horrible bad things in my life mostly through Cognitive Therapies. Which means I am extremely busy with lots of appointments and deep detailed homework. Taking a look deep inside is very draining. I'm on my 3rd week and I'm more tired than if I was working a full time job, (kind of glad I'm not right now, geez I feel for those who do), also I am adjusting to a lot of new medications and it is totally slowing me down.

So obviously I want to blog. I love to blog. I just haven't made it a priority lately for a few reasons. One I am exhausted right now and two I really am not getting anywhere with my blog. Not where I would like to be and definitely not where I think I should be. This is a real slow process for me. So for now I'm allowing it to be slow so that I do not become overwhelmed. I am thinking of taking it as slow as I feel and blogging here and there but first and foremost to read more blogs about how to actually write good posts. I get a lot of enjoyment out of typing my thoughts and feelings out and hitting those publish and share buttons, but I want you all to get the most enjoyment out of taking the time to read it also.

http://ishouvik.com/5-ways-to-improve-your-blog-posts

Yes what I am saying is I need some tips PLEASE, so for those of you reading I am asking for your tips, hints, advice and criticism. Please comment or email me once you've looked over my blog, and always leave your blog url so I can check out your amazing writings. With that I am going to close out with peace and love and many, many blessings. Thanks for stopping by on my What's Up Wednesday (which will someday be a link-up).

P.S. Don't think I'm giving up on blogging because that is not my intention. My intentions are to make it the most important aspect of my life outside of myself, my family and my wonderful friends, especially the ones I've met online. :)

Self-Hate/Self-Love

Hey lovies! How are you all doing? It's been awhile since my last inspirational post so today I have got a little self-esteem review from me and a couple of my own quotes to turn that self-hate into self love. This is just the start, hopefully, I will stay true to inform you how well this positive thinking works for me. I probably shouldn't post these thoughts about myself but I just hope to help another person out, here goes nothing.

Do you like yourself?

All you can do is try to be better. I just realized my problem isn't that I don't like myself, it's that I care to much about what other people think of me. Everyone has faults, I just need to remind myself of that and not worry what everyone else thinks of me. F-it!

My do not like list:

-that I drop everything just to please people who have no love for me

-obsessing and stressing

-I sacrific way to much

-don't stand up for myself

-shy around those I don't know

-that I am a horrible cook

-I feel as though I have reached my limit of intelligence

-I can't remember shit

-I'm broken, a terrible hott mess

-that I'm broke and can't buy nice things

-that I've hurt everyone I love

-that I can't go back to saying F-it like I used to

-that I'm not stupid, I wish I was a fool

-that I'm indecisive

-I'm critical

-enabling

-suspisious

-violent

-vulgar

-withdrawn

-impulsive

-defensive

-greedy

-possesive

-sarcastic

-self-centered

-selfish

What it's about:
It's about balancing out your weaknesses. If you don't like something, improve it little by little until you get it 
right. Stabilize it and don't let it bring you down. You actually like yourself this way, why worry about what others think. If you care it's because you don't like it. So change it!

http://www.messianicjudaism.me/yinon/2013/07/19/meeting-a-fellow-blogger/

My Assets:

-honest

-reliable

-responsible

-open-minded

-thrifty

-supportive

-greatful

-positive

-industrious

-patient

-realistic

-courageous

-interested

-clean

I am also posting an I Hate About (you) poems at www.magicalwritings.blogspot.com so check it out!

Sunday Social

Good Day Everyone!!!

It's Jesyka and today is Sunday and I'm here linking up with Ashley and Neely for:

Grab a button and Link-up too!

1. What is something you've always wanted to do but are afraid of?

I have always wanted to water ski. Looks like so much fun but I'm honestly afraid of being that far out in deep water. :-(

2. Where do you see yourself in five years?

In 5 years, anywhere better than here. Likely to be starting a new career, but who knows where life will lead me. I tend to go with the flow of life's forces.

3. What are you looking forward to before the end of 2013?

Being skinny again. I'm where I wanted to be, early so now for the next 4 months I want to drop 10 more pounds.

4. What are your hopes for your blog?

I hope that I will gain more friends and write better posts.

5. Do you always see yourself living in your current town/city?

Actually I am in the midst of planning a move sometime soon, hopefully by the end of the year. And then I plan on making that town my official home for life. Although if a great opportunity arose, I might just jump on it.

Chillicothe, OH Yoctangee Park (Source city-data.com)

6. What is your morning routine?

Routine? What routine. That's something I need to get.
I wake up, get water, smoke (gross), make tea, take a  shower, get dressed, drink tea and check email, Facebook and Words with Friends and text my baby Good Morning, do make-up and go on about my day. 

Thanks for reading more about me, link up so I can read about you! Have a lovely week.

5 for Five

Okay, well the Internet tech just left from fixing my Internet for the 2nd time, maybe this time will work. Either way it's working fine right now so I can do my 5 for Five even though it is already Tuesday. I did write them out already as I have been doing on the nifty weekly planner I made recently. See here.

Last week I chicken out on setting goals. That's not to say I didn't accomplish anything at all, I just didn't set anything in stone. But I'm back this week with a lot to do, lol. So here are my 5 goals for the week.
1.) Do a lot of typing. For the past 2 weeks my Internet has been horrible, they changed some equipment in the office today so I hope that works. I kept telling myself now was the time to type up a lot of poems and recipe notes out of my journal and some future posts while the Internet was pretty much out but the technician in me just would not allow it. I spent way  too much time trying to fix it myself before I even called to complain. SMH

2.) Finish organizing and saving documents to my external hard drive. Something horrible I realized last night: somehow I deleted all the files in my video folder. I'm going to do a recover today but going through the files from that is a pain in the butt. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

3.) Eat fruit everyday, no more than 2 servings of grains each day, and maybe 1 sweet snack for the week. I'm doing great at this and last week when I got weighed I was 7 lbs. lighter than the last time (app 5 wks). So YAY! go me!!!

http://pinterest.com/pin/524176844098940223/
4.) Exercise 3 times each, upper, lower and 3 walks totaling at least 1 mile each. (easy one, hopefully)

5.) Make some more Stress Relief and Pain Relief Oils. I've been out for awhile but I dug through my journals (see #1) and found the recipe. I can't wait to make it, needed it so much here lately.

http://pinterest.com/pin/524176844099669577/
YAY! That's my 5 for Five, what's yours? Go on over and link-up with Jessica and Jenn and leave me a comment with your link so I can read yours too.   Have a wonderful 4th of July and be safe.         

 American Flag clipart

from Clker.com

Magical Writings Blog Button

YAY!!! OMG I did it, 1 down and 1 to go!!!
I'm so stickin proud of myself, lol.

Thanks to these blogs for publishing directions:
http://morefromyourblog.com Zach didn't even have a grab button but he has a great blog.

A Storm and A Desert

Today I want to write something a little inspirational because well that’s what started me wanting to write. For the past ten minutes I have been arguing with myself on what to write about. I have now decided that an experience I had last night during the storm that may very well be better than my other ideals. I am choosing this because in my dual-diagnosis group yesterday we talked about avoidable triggers and unavoidable triggers. This is an example of an unavoidable trigger.

Last night, here in southern Ohio we had a major Thunderstorm with Tornado warnings and Flooding. I stayed up very late; the winds began just as I was heading to bed. It was hard to go to sleep thinking about the Tornado Warnings and the branches from the trees hitting my windows but I managed to finally fall asleep at about 3:30 am. I was sleeping so cannot truly tell the events that were going on outside my window, I can just guess that it was hard winds, branches falling, rain flooding the streets, lightening and the loudest, scariest thunder you have ever heard.

When I’m out, I’m out pretty hard usually. By the way I felt at 5 am I know I was extremely tired and mad that I was awaken. All I remember of the thoughts in my head before I was awakened was where I was and how I was feeling. I felt dreadful, scared out of my mind, with the fear of dying. I remember I was hearing that very loud booming sound in a desert far away. I remember I was tucked in a bunker, mask on and weapon raised. I remember I was terrified; anticipating the very next landing of the missile headed my way. I remember praying, probably for the first time in my life, that I make it through this day. And in the middle of my very scared thoughts, and my pleas of what I would do if I was spared my life, the thunder roared at a high altitude of noise and a branch fell into the road.

I rolled down, from my bed to the floor. Taking cover and I knew the next time that missile struck, I was going to be next, dead, shipped home from a body of sand. I was shaking, sweating, thinking of all my wrongs, and trying to figure out whether I should leave this spot or stay, like I could calculate the detonation of the next one. I was fearfully terrified because I was about to die. I sat there, my head hurting from all the stress, and my mind began to clear, and I noticed there wasn't another explosion. I saw lightening but the thunder wasn't too loud, rain was pouring and I was at home. I was on the floor, next to my bed and I was all alone. My body was still quivering but my fear was subsiding. I take notice in everything that happened and realized exactly what was happening.

Now if you are reading this and you don’t know what just happened to me, the storm caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Normally I would have never shared anything like this outside of therapy, but that was my old normal. Today I am mentally healthy, pretty much. I've grown in so many ways and truth be told it has been a very long time since that has happened to me. Little things still do every once in a while but today I have a strong support system in place and I have learned many coping skills from other people just like me. As soon as my head was clear last night and I realized I was home and not on a battle field in Iraq, I immediately grabbed for the closest paper and pen and I wrote down exactly how I was feeling and what happened. It took me a while to do it and a while to be able to go to sleep, but when I finished writing and I saw I wasn't completely better, I grabbed my tablet and turned on some relaxing meditation music. I lied there and thought about things for probably 2 hours but that’s OK because I did what I had to do to get through it. Most importantly I got through everything in a healthy positive way.And now I am even able to blog about it! :)

If you are a veteran and are having symptoms of PTSD and haven’t reached out for help please contact the VAMC closest to you and seek treatment. My hardest times were before I ever went there, before I even knew that I could. Visit their web-site @ www.va.org or call the veterans crisis line @ 1-800-273-8255 (press 1) Thank you for reading. Please comment, share and follow. 

5 for Five

Well it's Tuesday morning already but I'm still gonna do my 5 for Five and I haven't given any thought to it so hopefully I set some good achievable goals.

Starting with last week.

1. Pass. Write a letter to my brother. Yep a total of 2 typed pages and six handwritten. Sorry bro that it took so long for you to read it, lol.
2. Pass. Visit my family. I did and it was great. I got to see a sister and nephew, a mommy and g-ma and a couple other aunts and cousins.

3. Fail. Organize all computer documents. I set the bar kind of high on that one. I made progress with my Dropbox folder and my Pinterest boards but that's about it. Nothing in my Documents folder. :(
4. Fail. Go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Haha, I am a lost cause when it comes to this. I did so good for most of the past 2 yrs so just maybe I will eventually fall back into a better routine. Its hard when u don't have to get up, especially when you've always been a sleepy head.
5. Pass. Blog. I blogged one blog, which you can read here. It's about my weight lost. I lost 20 lbs. so far this year and I hope to lose 20 more by the end of the year.

Bonus goal. Pass. Plan a color coded weekly schedule.  I think the schedule I came up with is going to work out well. Its not color coded but it is planned out well and to my liking's.

And drum roll... this weeks goals are.

1. Finish 3/4 of my 7 days of... planner. You can find a link to the document here to see if you like it.
2. Finish reading Inferno. I'm 82 % done.
3. Walk 3 times and exercise 3 times. I found a 5 minute a day butt workout, so I'm going to try that. And I can do the 6 minute shake weight workout with it.
4. Draw something abstract on this little board I have saved for that. It has been along time since I've made any art. I've been thinking about it every time I see that board so its time to at least try and make it pretty.
5. Make a button for my blog. I think I figured out how to do it so all I need to do is purchase the stock image and do it. I picked one out already so I'm 1 step in the game already. Lol.
Bonus. Organize my Documents.

So that's my 5 for Five, what's yours? Go on over to Jess or Jenn's page and join the link-up. Have a lovely week!

How I Lost 20lbs

Hello everyone, I need to write a blog. It’s kind of been a little while since I have taken the time to do so. I have a lot of things planned but today I am going to do one that I just came up with yesterday. In the past 5 months I have been trying to lose weight. And Yay! for me I did. I technically lost 18 lbs. So that is amazing. Not only did I shed the pounds, I lost inches and 2 dress sizes. I am totally stoked about it and everyone I've known all that time keeps asking me how I did it.

Honestly I barely tried in my eyes. There are some things I cut out and also things I added in and I plan on sharing with you a list of things I did and didn't do. First though please realize what worked for me may not work for you. With the exercises (I barely worked out) talk to your doctor before starting any exercise routines. Here is a before picture of me. It was actually taken last summer but in December I was still about that size.

So what did I do?

o    I discovered MioEnergy, if you do not know what this is it’s a flavored water enhancer. They have regular, Fit, and the Energy brand. I use all of them. Energy in the morning and the others during the day or in the evening. Mio has 0 calories and 0 sugars. The only bad thing is that it is sweetened with Sucralose.
o   I cut the Mountain Dew out of my life except for an occasional 1 or 2 each month. No more drinks with High Fructose Corn Syrup.
o   I drink Unsweetened Green Tea or Unsweetened Coffee whenever I feel I need a caffeine boost. If you don’t drink Caffeine, you can always use Decaf.
o   I only allow myself the occasional donut, cake, cookie, etc. I mean like 1 time a month. And I do not bring junk food home from the grocery store.
o   I barely eat Carbs, yes they do produce natural energy in your body and you do need some every day but I don’t think you need a lot. I still eat Carbs, a little rice, potatoes and pasta but when it comes to my sandwiches I eat the innards, like lunch meat and cheese without bread. I just roll them up together with a pickle in the middle and eat it like that. Also when I do eat bread it is whole wheat. Also try to use a good Turkey or Ham lunchmeat instead of Bologna.
o   Instead of candy now I eat freeze pops. I don’t know if that’s better or not but I do it most of the time.
o   My favorite…I increased my fruits and vegetables intake. This was the best thing I did. Remember to fill you dinner plate up half way with fruits and/or vegetables. If you are eating Carbs, only eat a small portion of 1/3 of the plate. And the other 2/3 or so will go to your meat.
o   I have always eaten a lot of meat. Some say Carbs give you the best energy but I couldn't live without my protein. I love red meats the most. Not much Chicken or Pork in this diet but the thing I added more of this year was fish/seafood. It is more lean that anything else and has a lot of wonderful health benefits that you can get only from eating fish. So for me it’s fried Tilapia or Catfish and one or 2 cans of tuna every week. Don’t forgot a lot of nuts and Peanut Butter, mine is sweetened with Honey instead of Corn Syrup, that yucky stuff will add pounds not erase them.
o   Yes in the last one I said fried. The thing I did to fix that a little was convert to nothing but olive oil and I even use less than I did with the vegetable oil.
o   I do not eat anything deep fried or breaded that you warm up in the oven. Processed meat is the worst thing ever.
o   I bought a shake weight. My arms were the first thing I truly noticed going downhill. For a while I didn't touch it so I am honestly going to estimate and say during these 5 months I probably used it on average once a week. That’s it and it was easy.
o   Again with this one, occasionally I did 50 squats. I am horrible with exercising and can’t remember, can’t make time or whatever so I probably did them on average once a week for the past 5 months.
o   The only thing I did consistently is walk. I walk between 6 to 10 miles each week. That’s really not a lot but I wasn't doing it very often till this year. I don’t have a car at this time so this walking I have to do for the most part but even though I have to walk I still take my normal walks of 2 or 3 miles a week as my exercise. And when I do get a car I live a ¼ mile from the shopping center so unless I’m buying more than $50 worth of stuff I’m still going to walk it.

So there you have it, this is how I lost 20 lbs. I didn't follow a diet or exercise routine. I made a lot of mistakes throughout this time but I picked up where I left off and fixed my lifestyle. I used to be super skinny but things happen in life and we all get messed up and confused. Don’t worry about it; just do the best you can do. Even if you need to add or subtract one thing at a time to live a better life, then that’s how it has to be done. Also remember that if you are on any medications, birth control, depression, blood pressure, etc. they may be the cause of your weight gain and you may not be able to shed those pounds. Remember to accept and to love yourself no matter what you look like because most people especially guys, they don’t notice it like you do and they always love you no matter what. So be sure to love yourself.

And here is a picture of me taken approximately 2 weeks ago when I found out how much weight I lost. I dropped 2 sizes and the cellulite I was starting to get. My belly is still chubby but I no longer have the flubber and my legs don't jiggle when I walk, lol.

Thanks for reading my post. Please comment, share, like and follow me. Visit my Web-Site at www.jasmineraynewaxnmore.weebly.com  Blessed Be Lovies.

Bi-polar Love

Hello, thanks for stopping by. This is Tuesday and my day to share some writing with you. Hope you enjoy. Please remember to comment, subscribe or follow. Blessings and Love.

Bi-Polar Love Affair - Haiku

I say hateful things

I love being your lover

The sadness is mine

I get mad at you

I never want another

Tell me what to do

I am so confused

Should I leave or should I stay

That's me loving you

Jesyka Lynn

A Love Letter

I have been too upset and stressed lately to actually write about anything, but I thought I would share my letter to my ex about how I feel.

I don't know when it happened, it just did. I have a right to be selfish, for years it was me and noone else. That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be an equal priority  I feel I was for awhile, and it was great. We had everything together here. Your kids, and mine were next. Supposedly. But at some point, I stopped mattering to you. Anything I wanted was no longer an option. You can call me jealous if you want. That's not what it is at all.I want your kids to come before me. I'd rather be equal to them, but when the fuck did I become last? I no longer matter at all. In my eyes its you, my kids, your kids, close friends and family, and then others who shouldn't matter. If I put someone in that last category for you, you should respect my wishes since I should be #1. Your immediate family comes first, and I am your immediate family. If not, when did it stop? When did you stop caring? I became less important and then you acted like a fool checkin up on everything I did. You smothered me and you no longer cared for me. And now, more than ever, I have this fight in me. And I am trying so hard, so fucking hard and you keep leaving me hangin and shutting me down. How much more punishment do I have to endure. This year has been hell. So damn stressful, nothing but a fight. And now I feel you owe me. I bought the Van the least you could do is 1.) pay me for your half, or 2.) Give me a ride when I need it. I offered you $20.00 for gas and you can't even do that, even though I bought the vehicle and the gas. WTF? 

I might have more to say later. Peace and Blessed Be.