What's Up Wednesday

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Hey ya'll! It's Wednesday and I've been a major slacker, but since it's time for What's Up I suppose I can share why.

First of all, Happy Patriot Day. I hope everyone has a glorious day although I know way too many are not. I'm actually in a so-so mood myself. I always have a rough 9/11, but my thoughts are with everybody out there in America today and I send my prayers and blessings.

This is actually my 1st year out of the hospital on this day for quite a long time. I get very depressed, it has taken me this long to figure out that our bodies and time are in sync, so when a bad time of year starts rolling around our mind picks up on it even if we are unaware of the thoughts causing the sadness. But this year I paid attention because I did become aware of why and when my depression was beginning. And today being Patriot day does not mean I'm free and clear, nor that my emotional stress is over. Today is actually the very beginning. I think I'll make it this time, many thanks to my 5 therapists right now, and I hope all of you find a way for you to make it through too.

On to What's Up in my life. As I mentioned above I have 5 therapists. Yep I am finally facing all those horrible bad things in my life mostly through Cognitive Therapies. Which means I am extremely busy with lots of appointments and deep detailed homework. Taking a look deep inside is very draining. I'm on my 3rd week and I'm more tired than if I was working a full time job, (kind of glad I'm not right now, geez I feel for those who do), also I am adjusting to a lot of new medications and it is totally slowing me down.

So obviously I want to blog. I love to blog. I just haven't made it a priority lately for a few reasons. One I am exhausted right now and two I really am not getting anywhere with my blog. Not where I would like to be and definitely not where I think I should be. This is a real slow process for me. So for now I'm allowing it to be slow so that I do not become overwhelmed. I am thinking of taking it as slow as I feel and blogging here and there but first and foremost to read more blogs about how to actually write good posts. I get a lot of enjoyment out of typing my thoughts and feelings out and hitting those publish and share buttons, but I want you all to get the most enjoyment out of taking the time to read it also.

http://ishouvik.com/5-ways-to-improve-your-blog-posts

Yes what I am saying is I need some tips PLEASE, so for those of you reading I am asking for your tips, hints, advice and criticism. Please comment or email me once you've looked over my blog, and always leave your blog url so I can check out your amazing writings. With that I am going to close out with peace and love and many, many blessings. Thanks for stopping by on my What's Up Wednesday (which will someday be a link-up).

P.S. Don't think I'm giving up on blogging because that is not my intention. My intentions are to make it the most important aspect of my life outside of myself, my family and my wonderful friends, especially the ones I've met online. :)

Self-Hate/Self-Love

Hey lovies! How are you all doing? It's been awhile since my last inspirational post so today I have got a little self-esteem review from me and a couple of my own quotes to turn that self-hate into self love. This is just the start, hopefully, I will stay true to inform you how well this positive thinking works for me. I probably shouldn't post these thoughts about myself but I just hope to help another person out, here goes nothing.

Do you like yourself?

All you can do is try to be better. I just realized my problem isn't that I don't like myself, it's that I care to much about what other people think of me. Everyone has faults, I just need to remind myself of that and not worry what everyone else thinks of me. F-it!

My do not like list:

-that I drop everything just to please people who have no love for me

-obsessing and stressing

-I sacrific way to much

-don't stand up for myself

-shy around those I don't know

-that I am a horrible cook

-I feel as though I have reached my limit of intelligence

-I can't remember shit

-I'm broken, a terrible hott mess

-that I'm broke and can't buy nice things

-that I've hurt everyone I love

-that I can't go back to saying F-it like I used to

-that I'm not stupid, I wish I was a fool

-that I'm indecisive

-I'm critical

-enabling

-suspisious

-violent

-vulgar

-withdrawn

-impulsive

-defensive

-greedy

-possesive

-sarcastic

-self-centered

-selfish

What it's about:
It's about balancing out your weaknesses. If you don't like something, improve it little by little until you get it 
right. Stabilize it and don't let it bring you down. You actually like yourself this way, why worry about what others think. If you care it's because you don't like it. So change it!

http://www.messianicjudaism.me/yinon/2013/07/19/meeting-a-fellow-blogger/

My Assets:

-honest

-reliable

-responsible

-open-minded

-thrifty

-supportive

-greatful

-positive

-industrious

-patient

-realistic

-courageous

-interested

-clean

I am also posting an I Hate About (you) poems at www.magicalwritings.blogspot.com so check it out!

Monday Mingling

Hello ladies, my name is Jesyka and I am linking up with Monday Mingling. I have been away for awhile and when I got back on last week I realized my normal link-up had disappeared so this week I decided to try another.
Lets see, what can I tell you about me? I am 30 something, live in southeastern OH, small town girly-o. I am into fixing computers, candle making, mixing essential oils, scrap-booking (although, it's been a long time), poetry and studying Psychology and Aromatherapy.

My blog is essentially to share my experience, strength and hope with others hoping that someone will find the right advice they may need, or just for them to know they are not alone. I have 3 different mental health issues that I deal with daily and I am also a recovering addict. I just want to share my story. Other than that I like linking-up and blogging about normal life experiences such as recipes, things I love, and my favorite one - how I lost weight! I also have newer blog for my poetry. I post one each week, so please check it out also if you like poetry.

And that is my introduction, now you know a lot about me and I can't wait to learn a lot about you. Join in on Monday Mingling!

Just A Little Bitching (can I say that)

Lol, I really don't care if I can or not, at least not at this point. This is my blog, I made it for me so I guess anything goes, when and how I want it to. If you read it, that's great, I will read and follow you too. If you don't like it then I guess you won't read or follow, and I'm cool with that too.

So my Bitch fit, goes a little something like this. First off today I didn't do Sunday Social. Not because it wasn't awesome, but because I left my old life and let go of my old friends and that's when I had awesome vacation times and I just didn't want to visit them.

Me on my fave vacation to South Beach Florida

My blog is called Reprogramming The Mind because I am doing just that. At least I am trying to. Very hard. At times I think I am doing great. But I realize that's only when I isolate, even though my 'Mind Specialists' tell me I can't do that. But all I've realized in this re-adjustment of life style for me is that people tend to have a special way about them that can really piss me off.

Right now I'm kind of thanking the God and Goddess that I have very few friends on the internet so far, none that have pissed me off, and even fewer who actually read my blog. Thank the God and Goddess again because I'm not sure I should publish this.

What pissed me off? Oh lets see, I met a lady a few weeks back and I know we are becoming great buds, hanging out, doing stuff and talking all the time. She even texted me while we were sitting out front in a group of people. Only true friends do that, right. Well I want to know why in the sam hell I just run into her and she invites me over to watch TV, I say no because I just had to watch 5 episodes of CULT to get caught up. I'm TV'd out for now and have things to do like blog.  (Which by the way it was going to be a good one)But hey True Blood will be on later if you want to come over. I'm really tired though so I may wait to watch it, and she says no I will keep you up for that.

Well I walk around the block, sit out front and have a smoke and feel like I'm about to fall asleep. So I decide to stop by her place and see if maybe she has a cup of coffee. I knock on the door, stand there and wait for an answer. None. But low and behold the worst of all worst things happen. I can hear her and her man talking. He says well if you don't want to hang out with her just tell her you can't, you have things to do. Tell her you can't come over tonight because you have been staying up all night (with her) and need to get some sleep. And she says but I really do want to watch TRUE BLOOD I just don't want to go to her house. And bam that's when I realized she's a bitch and I really honestly shouldn't have friends. And I leave.

My Only True Bestest Friend "MONK"

Yeah we stayed up late together a few times, but that was her call at her house asking me to watch movies and then talking my ear off and what did I do, I sat and listened to her till 4 in the morning. I have been staying up all night, but it hasn't been with her so if she has that's on her completely because I wasn't there and she wasn't here so why the fuck are they insinuating it's my fault she's tired? Hanging out with her has totally blocked my ability to do my internet duties anyway. I'm the one who can't get shit done. And fuck if she doesn't want to hang out with me she doesn't need to watch True Blood at my house at freaking 9 o'clock.

I don't know how to reprogram my stinking mind about this, should I take it as I didn't hear everything said so I'm reading into it the wrong way. Should I just take as maybe she's only comfortable in her house? Should I just forget it since we have so much in common? Am I being to hard on my friends, letting them go over things that shouldn't matter? I don't know what to do here, I really need help. A girl has got to have friends, right? I can't just let the whole world go, but damn I really feel like it.

Well if you read this, I am impressed. Thank you for listening to me complain about my inability to create friendships. I sure hope I find a way to create some real ones in the near future.

What's Up Wednesday

Wow, I've been thinking about doing this post all week and I literally got caught up in too much crap all day. It's late, but hey it's not past midnight every where, lol. I happened to scroll down my blog the other day looking for something and I was like OMG I totally forgot I started that. So here I am weeks later with a wonderful What's Up Wednesday.

So Jesyka, What is up???
First off I just want to say What's Up Wednesday first appeared here on Reprogramming The Mind with your one and only host muah. That being said I cannot wait til it's possible for me to begin this as my 1st link-up! Yay!
Second, me and my blog would like to wish my son a Happy Happy 7th Birthday! And so on...
With the thought of this one day becoming a link-up I should mention I have been thinking of, and very much so lately, of changing my blog name. I tell my therapist everything and she even recommended it (without knowing it's title already). I shared A Storm and A Desert with her today and now she seems to think I should focus it more on being a blog from a female veteran's experience with a title specifying so. Good point. It's now on my to-do list.
Also today while I was at the hospital I was able to meet with the Writing Group Psychiatrist and share some poetry with her. Just my luck it turns out that they are submitting poems to be published in a book from Appalachian poets. Fingers crossed, that would be awesome. And that's all I am sharing today, thanks for stopping by and reading. Please comment, follow or subscribe.

A Storm and A Desert

Today I want to write something a little inspirational because well that’s what started me wanting to write. For the past ten minutes I have been arguing with myself on what to write about. I have now decided that an experience I had last night during the storm that may very well be better than my other ideals. I am choosing this because in my dual-diagnosis group yesterday we talked about avoidable triggers and unavoidable triggers. This is an example of an unavoidable trigger.

Last night, here in southern Ohio we had a major Thunderstorm with Tornado warnings and Flooding. I stayed up very late; the winds began just as I was heading to bed. It was hard to go to sleep thinking about the Tornado Warnings and the branches from the trees hitting my windows but I managed to finally fall asleep at about 3:30 am. I was sleeping so cannot truly tell the events that were going on outside my window, I can just guess that it was hard winds, branches falling, rain flooding the streets, lightening and the loudest, scariest thunder you have ever heard.

When I’m out, I’m out pretty hard usually. By the way I felt at 5 am I know I was extremely tired and mad that I was awaken. All I remember of the thoughts in my head before I was awakened was where I was and how I was feeling. I felt dreadful, scared out of my mind, with the fear of dying. I remember I was hearing that very loud booming sound in a desert far away. I remember I was tucked in a bunker, mask on and weapon raised. I remember I was terrified; anticipating the very next landing of the missile headed my way. I remember praying, probably for the first time in my life, that I make it through this day. And in the middle of my very scared thoughts, and my pleas of what I would do if I was spared my life, the thunder roared at a high altitude of noise and a branch fell into the road.

I rolled down, from my bed to the floor. Taking cover and I knew the next time that missile struck, I was going to be next, dead, shipped home from a body of sand. I was shaking, sweating, thinking of all my wrongs, and trying to figure out whether I should leave this spot or stay, like I could calculate the detonation of the next one. I was fearfully terrified because I was about to die. I sat there, my head hurting from all the stress, and my mind began to clear, and I noticed there wasn't another explosion. I saw lightening but the thunder wasn't too loud, rain was pouring and I was at home. I was on the floor, next to my bed and I was all alone. My body was still quivering but my fear was subsiding. I take notice in everything that happened and realized exactly what was happening.

Now if you are reading this and you don’t know what just happened to me, the storm caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Normally I would have never shared anything like this outside of therapy, but that was my old normal. Today I am mentally healthy, pretty much. I've grown in so many ways and truth be told it has been a very long time since that has happened to me. Little things still do every once in a while but today I have a strong support system in place and I have learned many coping skills from other people just like me. As soon as my head was clear last night and I realized I was home and not on a battle field in Iraq, I immediately grabbed for the closest paper and pen and I wrote down exactly how I was feeling and what happened. It took me a while to do it and a while to be able to go to sleep, but when I finished writing and I saw I wasn't completely better, I grabbed my tablet and turned on some relaxing meditation music. I lied there and thought about things for probably 2 hours but that’s OK because I did what I had to do to get through it. Most importantly I got through everything in a healthy positive way.And now I am even able to blog about it! :)

If you are a veteran and are having symptoms of PTSD and haven’t reached out for help please contact the VAMC closest to you and seek treatment. My hardest times were before I ever went there, before I even knew that I could. Visit their web-site @ www.va.org or call the veterans crisis line @ 1-800-273-8255 (press 1) Thank you for reading. Please comment, share and follow. 

What's Up Wendesday

What is today? Is it Wednesday? Yep it sure is. Guess I'm gonna do a

What's Up Wednesday!!!

So lets see, uh okay damn, the last post I did was last Wednesday. And wow it has been a crappy week. Might I first just be honest with myself and everyone else and first say that I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Ha, and my next confession may or may not, probably not, have anything to do with being Bi-Polar. However I spent Friday through Tuesday curled up on the couch, mostly sleeping and eating very little and double duty sulking in my sad little pitiful excuse of a life. Yea I did and honestly I think that's 3 weeks in a row now. But don't be confused because that's not technically a depression phase. At least not a typical one anyway. Depression lasts for 3 weeks or more but it has to be consecutive. And generally for no reason at all.

Depression and Mania

Well I sat sulking in my misery this week because as soon as it happened I recognized the pattern. And by God admitting it is a very hard thing to do so I think I'm gonna keep that to myself for now. Lets just see if we have a week 4 or not. Week 3 should not have happened but when it hit me I lost all control and that made it even worse. Lets see I could be rapid-cycling but I doubt that's the case, even though that's the type I typically am. I cannot sleep for the life of me and I did some major cleaning and organizing all night and all day yesterday, but I had the energy and it was way over due. Now if I am in a Phase again, jeez it's been soooo long, I have obviously been learning to deal with it a little better. Yay.

Completely Normal

And moving on. I just wanted to touch base and say that I did manage to complete 3 out of 5 goals on 5 for Five last week, so for being in a sappy mood that's not too bad. However I am not planning any for this week. Maybe just try not to argue with anyone. That would just ruin my mood. I'm in a good mood because I had some unexpected old friends stop by to visit. They are amazing. I love em. I also talked to a favorite person on the phone and that hasn't happened lately. Hopefully I see him today. If I make it through the day. I'm tired from all the cleaning I did. :( Anyway I should probably get up like a normal person today. Take a shower, dress up, do my hair and make up and stop being a sad lil pup. Don't know if I've been funny at all but at least now I'm trying to make myself smile. Thanks for reading my roller coaster journey, please follow me.

Reprogram, Reprogram, Reprogram

Seriously? It's so hard to do but you must stay focused. That's what I keep telling myself but it feels like I cannot do it. I know that I can  and for that matter I will. Just have to stay focused. I know all the right things, but I also know all the wrong things. Like kicking, screaming, cussing, hitting, cutting and using. But that's not who I am anymore, I do not do those things and I'm not going to start again,  no matter the pain that I feel. No matter the thoughts that I have, no matter what another says or does. I am in myself and I intend to stay there. Within, not all around. If you have one foot in yesterday, and the other foot in tomorrow, then your pissing all over today. A guy I met this morning shared that with me. It's a great analogy. I can't stay focused in my thoughts right now. I just lost the man who raised me and he was the only man in my life that never did anything to hurt me. I had all those bad thoughts early Sunday morning. I don't do the church thing but my new mind, my new thoughts, my new spiritualism within myself, my new regard for others, instead of my selfishness, lead me to church yesterday. I'm not trying to say I am a good person because I went to church, I'm definetly not. Even if I always went that still doesn't mean anything. But I seen something in myself that changed, I did it for everyone but myself. I wasn't thinking of myself during any of it. I wanted to do what my heart believed was the right thing for everyone else. I wanted to give a proper blessing. Alright my point in all of that is that I know I have changed tremendously. Thats how I can be so sure that I know how to reprogram my mind from these horrible thoughts I am currently having. If I go back to my old ways I will no longer have any thing to be proud of. I will be the old, no body me, that everyone hated. I don't want that so I'm gonna keep moving strong and do my best to help the people who need it most.

I guess I'm gonna rant or whatever to get me back in the mood

Well its been awhile since I've wrote anything. I guess I have a few ideas, I'll kinda try not to get to specific on any one thing. I really need to brainstorm alittle. My thoughts have been all over the place the past few months, mainly because I had a lot of stress going on and partly because I was manic, and jesus when my mind gets like that it is impossible to put anything into an order of any sorts. I guess thats what brainstorming and free writing is for. :)

So of course with all the stress going on, I have lots of things to talk about. Especially since I have turned it all around. Yep thats right, I have been working extra hard on life. Also I read an awesome book on turning things around. The book is about letting go of love and acceptance.  Absolutely amazing, but I guess I'm going to leave that to another post because it definitely deserves it very own page.

Other things that have happened is that I have now been single for 4 months. Yep thats right, 120 days today. And as scared as I was I now have a great appreciation for independence and a inner love for myself. At the beginning of that time I had a relapse of mental health issues and I had a wonderful hospitalization.  Yes it was wonderful, the staff thought me so much on how to do the best I can in life and I actually listened whole heartedly for the very first time. Things are amazing in my life today and my next goal is to organize everything so I can share my experiences with you.

Summarized  I am going to start with talking about The Work, then I am going to talk about relationships and why you dont need them and signs that they are unhealthy from the beginning, then alittle about obsession and how to break the bond you feel that you have, mental health issues and how to manage them, isolation and how to venture out little by little, and the amazing holistic ways I have discovered that are working hard in my life right now.

Wow, thats a big list, I better get started soon. Thanks for reading, be sure to subscribe and check me out on Facebook if you'd like, www.facebook.com/iamjasminerayne .