A Storm and A Desert

Today I want to write something a little inspirational because well that’s what started me wanting to write. For the past ten minutes I have been arguing with myself on what to write about. I have now decided that an experience I had last night during the storm that may very well be better than my other ideals. I am choosing this because in my dual-diagnosis group yesterday we talked about avoidable triggers and unavoidable triggers. This is an example of an unavoidable trigger.

Last night, here in southern Ohio we had a major Thunderstorm with Tornado warnings and Flooding. I stayed up very late; the winds began just as I was heading to bed. It was hard to go to sleep thinking about the Tornado Warnings and the branches from the trees hitting my windows but I managed to finally fall asleep at about 3:30 am. I was sleeping so cannot truly tell the events that were going on outside my window, I can just guess that it was hard winds, branches falling, rain flooding the streets, lightening and the loudest, scariest thunder you have ever heard.

When I’m out, I’m out pretty hard usually. By the way I felt at 5 am I know I was extremely tired and mad that I was awaken. All I remember of the thoughts in my head before I was awakened was where I was and how I was feeling. I felt dreadful, scared out of my mind, with the fear of dying. I remember I was hearing that very loud booming sound in a desert far away. I remember I was tucked in a bunker, mask on and weapon raised. I remember I was terrified; anticipating the very next landing of the missile headed my way. I remember praying, probably for the first time in my life, that I make it through this day. And in the middle of my very scared thoughts, and my pleas of what I would do if I was spared my life, the thunder roared at a high altitude of noise and a branch fell into the road.

I rolled down, from my bed to the floor. Taking cover and I knew the next time that missile struck, I was going to be next, dead, shipped home from a body of sand. I was shaking, sweating, thinking of all my wrongs, and trying to figure out whether I should leave this spot or stay, like I could calculate the detonation of the next one. I was fearfully terrified because I was about to die. I sat there, my head hurting from all the stress, and my mind began to clear, and I noticed there wasn't another explosion. I saw lightening but the thunder wasn't too loud, rain was pouring and I was at home. I was on the floor, next to my bed and I was all alone. My body was still quivering but my fear was subsiding. I take notice in everything that happened and realized exactly what was happening.

Now if you are reading this and you don’t know what just happened to me, the storm caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Normally I would have never shared anything like this outside of therapy, but that was my old normal. Today I am mentally healthy, pretty much. I've grown in so many ways and truth be told it has been a very long time since that has happened to me. Little things still do every once in a while but today I have a strong support system in place and I have learned many coping skills from other people just like me. As soon as my head was clear last night and I realized I was home and not on a battle field in Iraq, I immediately grabbed for the closest paper and pen and I wrote down exactly how I was feeling and what happened. It took me a while to do it and a while to be able to go to sleep, but when I finished writing and I saw I wasn't completely better, I grabbed my tablet and turned on some relaxing meditation music. I lied there and thought about things for probably 2 hours but that’s OK because I did what I had to do to get through it. Most importantly I got through everything in a healthy positive way.And now I am even able to blog about it! :)

If you are a veteran and are having symptoms of PTSD and haven’t reached out for help please contact the VAMC closest to you and seek treatment. My hardest times were before I ever went there, before I even knew that I could. Visit their web-site @ www.va.org or call the veterans crisis line @ 1-800-273-8255 (press 1) Thank you for reading. Please comment, share and follow. 

Poetry

Hello everyone just wanted to stop by and say come over and check out my new poetry blog. If you are a fan you are going to want to follow and stay tuned to "Magical Writings". Look forward to sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts with you. Thanks for checking it out. Each time I post I will do a short post on this blog letting everyone know.

And a Tuesday update: My planner is going great. I am surprised at how much I am accomplishing.

Click the above link if you missed the file download.

Thanks guys, have a wonderful rest of the week.

What's Up Wendesday

What is today? Is it Wednesday? Yep it sure is. Guess I'm gonna do a

What's Up Wednesday!!!

So lets see, uh okay damn, the last post I did was last Wednesday. And wow it has been a crappy week. Might I first just be honest with myself and everyone else and first say that I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Ha, and my next confession may or may not, probably not, have anything to do with being Bi-Polar. However I spent Friday through Tuesday curled up on the couch, mostly sleeping and eating very little and double duty sulking in my sad little pitiful excuse of a life. Yea I did and honestly I think that's 3 weeks in a row now. But don't be confused because that's not technically a depression phase. At least not a typical one anyway. Depression lasts for 3 weeks or more but it has to be consecutive. And generally for no reason at all.

Depression and Mania

Well I sat sulking in my misery this week because as soon as it happened I recognized the pattern. And by God admitting it is a very hard thing to do so I think I'm gonna keep that to myself for now. Lets just see if we have a week 4 or not. Week 3 should not have happened but when it hit me I lost all control and that made it even worse. Lets see I could be rapid-cycling but I doubt that's the case, even though that's the type I typically am. I cannot sleep for the life of me and I did some major cleaning and organizing all night and all day yesterday, but I had the energy and it was way over due. Now if I am in a Phase again, jeez it's been soooo long, I have obviously been learning to deal with it a little better. Yay.

Completely Normal

And moving on. I just wanted to touch base and say that I did manage to complete 3 out of 5 goals on 5 for Five last week, so for being in a sappy mood that's not too bad. However I am not planning any for this week. Maybe just try not to argue with anyone. That would just ruin my mood. I'm in a good mood because I had some unexpected old friends stop by to visit. They are amazing. I love em. I also talked to a favorite person on the phone and that hasn't happened lately. Hopefully I see him today. If I make it through the day. I'm tired from all the cleaning I did. :( Anyway I should probably get up like a normal person today. Take a shower, dress up, do my hair and make up and stop being a sad lil pup. Don't know if I've been funny at all but at least now I'm trying to make myself smile. Thanks for reading my roller coaster journey, please follow me.

Holding on or Letting go???

Alright this post is not going to be based on the political correct idea or what you should do, but on what I am feeling I should do. I listened to a lot of crap throughout my life about walking away and letting go when things aren't as they should be. But I don't want to let go ever again.

Here are a few examples of CRAP I read, and have even shared on Facebook. And yes in the back of my mind and thinking of my heart, I have been totally for this method.

via Positive Quotes on Facebook

(nothing against this page, I just needed a pic)

Yes there is definitely a limit on how much and how bad a person should be able to treat you but honestly for the last however many years I have been hateful and sad, I walked away from a lot of really good people for making mistakes. I keep doing it, every time someone makes me mad, or hurts my feelings.

Now that I am trying to completely start my life over, and yes I hope I find a few great friends, at this point I haven't. Basically I am realizing that if I want to have friends at all, I am going to have to accept the fact that people make mistakes. And yes sometimes they are horrible mistakes. Even I have made many, and maybe some people have walked away from me.

Also I would like to comment on this one. I actually had an experience with this and followed though with leaving all of them behind when my troubles were over. Not fun and to be very honest that's when I started walking away from people who screwed me over. However as I look back and sit here friendless (almost) I am realizing that by living so true to these words that I have lost everyone, including some very important people that I loved dearly.

via someone on fb

The reason all this is on my mind is because I recently had a friend of like 5 months make me completely irate. And for a few days I had to calm myself down. I felt like that person did what they did to intentionally upset me. I have had to realize that it had nothing to do with me, and I honestly feel like it has nothing to do with how they feel about me. I have always told myself that whoever did something hurtful or wasn't there when I needed them was because they didn't care about me, probably no one else, or even them self  But I have realized that may not always be true. Actually it almost never is if I think really hard because everyone I have hurt has always been people I love with all of my heart. It was just a stupid mistake, that had everything to do with me, and almost always ended up regretting but not even all of the time.

And I can finally say that my whole new outlook on how I want things to be is totally working for me. I want to be able to forgive people, no matter what. If I don't want to do it for them that's fine, I'll have to evaluate the situation as I am now and determine my best course of action. Should I hold on to that friendship or should let go and walk away. If I walk away every time I will still be sitting here lonely, losing friends the moment I make them. So this time I'm going to stay, for now. If it happens again I might walk away but everyone deserves a second chance, maybe 5, 10 or 50, who knows. No matter what you have to forgive for your own piece of mind. If not for them, do it for yourself.

via Positive Quotes on Facebook

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Reprogram, Reprogram, Reprogram

Seriously? It's so hard to do but you must stay focused. That's what I keep telling myself but it feels like I cannot do it. I know that I can  and for that matter I will. Just have to stay focused. I know all the right things, but I also know all the wrong things. Like kicking, screaming, cussing, hitting, cutting and using. But that's not who I am anymore, I do not do those things and I'm not going to start again,  no matter the pain that I feel. No matter the thoughts that I have, no matter what another says or does. I am in myself and I intend to stay there. Within, not all around. If you have one foot in yesterday, and the other foot in tomorrow, then your pissing all over today. A guy I met this morning shared that with me. It's a great analogy. I can't stay focused in my thoughts right now. I just lost the man who raised me and he was the only man in my life that never did anything to hurt me. I had all those bad thoughts early Sunday morning. I don't do the church thing but my new mind, my new thoughts, my new spiritualism within myself, my new regard for others, instead of my selfishness, lead me to church yesterday. I'm not trying to say I am a good person because I went to church, I'm definetly not. Even if I always went that still doesn't mean anything. But I seen something in myself that changed, I did it for everyone but myself. I wasn't thinking of myself during any of it. I wanted to do what my heart believed was the right thing for everyone else. I wanted to give a proper blessing. Alright my point in all of that is that I know I have changed tremendously. Thats how I can be so sure that I know how to reprogram my mind from these horrible thoughts I am currently having. If I go back to my old ways I will no longer have any thing to be proud of. I will be the old, no body me, that everyone hated. I don't want that so I'm gonna keep moving strong and do my best to help the people who need it most.