What's Up Wendesday

What is today? Is it Wednesday? Yep it sure is. Guess I'm gonna do a

What's Up Wednesday!!!

So lets see, uh okay damn, the last post I did was last Wednesday. And wow it has been a crappy week. Might I first just be honest with myself and everyone else and first say that I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Ha, and my next confession may or may not, probably not, have anything to do with being Bi-Polar. However I spent Friday through Tuesday curled up on the couch, mostly sleeping and eating very little and double duty sulking in my sad little pitiful excuse of a life. Yea I did and honestly I think that's 3 weeks in a row now. But don't be confused because that's not technically a depression phase. At least not a typical one anyway. Depression lasts for 3 weeks or more but it has to be consecutive. And generally for no reason at all.

Depression and Mania

Well I sat sulking in my misery this week because as soon as it happened I recognized the pattern. And by God admitting it is a very hard thing to do so I think I'm gonna keep that to myself for now. Lets just see if we have a week 4 or not. Week 3 should not have happened but when it hit me I lost all control and that made it even worse. Lets see I could be rapid-cycling but I doubt that's the case, even though that's the type I typically am. I cannot sleep for the life of me and I did some major cleaning and organizing all night and all day yesterday, but I had the energy and it was way over due. Now if I am in a Phase again, jeez it's been soooo long, I have obviously been learning to deal with it a little better. Yay.

Completely Normal

And moving on. I just wanted to touch base and say that I did manage to complete 3 out of 5 goals on 5 for Five last week, so for being in a sappy mood that's not too bad. However I am not planning any for this week. Maybe just try not to argue with anyone. That would just ruin my mood. I'm in a good mood because I had some unexpected old friends stop by to visit. They are amazing. I love em. I also talked to a favorite person on the phone and that hasn't happened lately. Hopefully I see him today. If I make it through the day. I'm tired from all the cleaning I did. :( Anyway I should probably get up like a normal person today. Take a shower, dress up, do my hair and make up and stop being a sad lil pup. Don't know if I've been funny at all but at least now I'm trying to make myself smile. Thanks for reading my roller coaster journey, please follow me.

Holding on or Letting go???

Alright this post is not going to be based on the political correct idea or what you should do, but on what I am feeling I should do. I listened to a lot of crap throughout my life about walking away and letting go when things aren't as they should be. But I don't want to let go ever again.

Here are a few examples of CRAP I read, and have even shared on Facebook. And yes in the back of my mind and thinking of my heart, I have been totally for this method.

via Positive Quotes on Facebook

(nothing against this page, I just needed a pic)

Yes there is definitely a limit on how much and how bad a person should be able to treat you but honestly for the last however many years I have been hateful and sad, I walked away from a lot of really good people for making mistakes. I keep doing it, every time someone makes me mad, or hurts my feelings.

Now that I am trying to completely start my life over, and yes I hope I find a few great friends, at this point I haven't. Basically I am realizing that if I want to have friends at all, I am going to have to accept the fact that people make mistakes. And yes sometimes they are horrible mistakes. Even I have made many, and maybe some people have walked away from me.

Also I would like to comment on this one. I actually had an experience with this and followed though with leaving all of them behind when my troubles were over. Not fun and to be very honest that's when I started walking away from people who screwed me over. However as I look back and sit here friendless (almost) I am realizing that by living so true to these words that I have lost everyone, including some very important people that I loved dearly.

via someone on fb

The reason all this is on my mind is because I recently had a friend of like 5 months make me completely irate. And for a few days I had to calm myself down. I felt like that person did what they did to intentionally upset me. I have had to realize that it had nothing to do with me, and I honestly feel like it has nothing to do with how they feel about me. I have always told myself that whoever did something hurtful or wasn't there when I needed them was because they didn't care about me, probably no one else, or even them self  But I have realized that may not always be true. Actually it almost never is if I think really hard because everyone I have hurt has always been people I love with all of my heart. It was just a stupid mistake, that had everything to do with me, and almost always ended up regretting but not even all of the time.

And I can finally say that my whole new outlook on how I want things to be is totally working for me. I want to be able to forgive people, no matter what. If I don't want to do it for them that's fine, I'll have to evaluate the situation as I am now and determine my best course of action. Should I hold on to that friendship or should let go and walk away. If I walk away every time I will still be sitting here lonely, losing friends the moment I make them. So this time I'm going to stay, for now. If it happens again I might walk away but everyone deserves a second chance, maybe 5, 10 or 50, who knows. No matter what you have to forgive for your own piece of mind. If not for them, do it for yourself.

via Positive Quotes on Facebook

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Bi-polar Love

Hello, thanks for stopping by. This is Tuesday and my day to share some writing with you. Hope you enjoy. Please remember to comment, subscribe or follow. Blessings and Love.

Bi-Polar Love Affair - Haiku

I say hateful things

I love being your lover

The sadness is mine

I get mad at you

I never want another

Tell me what to do

I am so confused

Should I leave or should I stay

That's me loving you

Jesyka Lynn

Making your love last

Oh boy did I think of a good one today. I actually think it popped into my mind last night but whatever triggered it then surpassed it by all means this morning. I'm still very stressed and upset, reprogramming my mind you might say, lol. So my thoughts today are very centered on 'why am I still sticking around? I am miserable.' But then I have to take a few steps back and ask myself "is it always this way, only sometimes, more often then not or not so much?"
So once I figure it out, and by god this is almost a daily thing, I chalk it up and decide that it's only sometimes, you know just once in a while and it's totally worth saving this relationship. Very, very hard to do.
Seriously, did I just do that? Me, the girl who proclaimed she would never be in a relationship with one person for the rest of my life, and left every other relationship I was in at the first sign of trouble? Crazy especially if you know me or can relate.
I had a bad relationship before this one, but I stayed almost 3 years because I had a kid. Worst mistake of my life, but I guess that's what keeps me here in this one. Things might be little off at times, life maybe stressful, and we may severely disagree most of the time, but it is so much better than I had before.
And well I have to accept that the world does not revolve around what I want. So what if he doesn't want what I want, so I don't get my way. And so what if we have different schedules and at times we get upset when our sleep is interrupted or maybe we butt heads when raising our kids. Things happen, people even change, life changes but true love doesn't change. So I have figured out that I may have to "REPROGRAM" my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY but the truth is that he is my best friend, and even with his flaws I fell in love with him for his assets, and well I've even grown to love those annoying things I didn't use to like anyway.
So when I begin to have a bad day, I take a moment for myself and remember why I'm here and why I want to stay.