Seriously? It's so hard to do but you must stay focused. That's what I keep telling myself but it feels like I cannot do it. I know that I can and for that matter I will. Just have to stay focused. I know all the right things, but I also know all the wrong things. Like kicking, screaming, cussing, hitting, cutting and using. But that's not who I am anymore, I do not do those things and I'm not going to start again, no matter the pain that I feel. No matter the thoughts that I have, no matter what another says or does. I am in myself and I intend to stay there. Within, not all around. If you have one foot in yesterday, and the other foot in tomorrow, then your pissing all over today. A guy I met this morning shared that with me. It's a great analogy. I can't stay focused in my thoughts right now. I just lost the man who raised me and he was the only man in my life that never did anything to hurt me. I had all those bad thoughts early Sunday morning. I don't do the church thing but my new mind, my new thoughts, my new spiritualism within myself, my new regard for others, instead of my selfishness, lead me to church yesterday. I'm not trying to say I am a good person because I went to church, I'm definetly not. Even if I always went that still doesn't mean anything. But I seen something in myself that changed, I did it for everyone but myself. I wasn't thinking of myself during any of it. I wanted to do what my heart believed was the right thing for everyone else. I wanted to give a proper blessing. Alright my point in all of that is that I know I have changed tremendously. Thats how I can be so sure that I know how to reprogram my mind from these horrible thoughts I am currently having. If I go back to my old ways I will no longer have any thing to be proud of. I will be the old, no body me, that everyone hated. I don't want that so I'm gonna keep moving strong and do my best to help the people who need it most.
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