A Storm and A Desert

Today I want to write something a little inspirational because well that’s what started me wanting to write. For the past ten minutes I have been arguing with myself on what to write about. I have now decided that an experience I had last night during the storm that may very well be better than my other ideals. I am choosing this because in my dual-diagnosis group yesterday we talked about avoidable triggers and unavoidable triggers. This is an example of an unavoidable trigger.

Last night, here in southern Ohio we had a major Thunderstorm with Tornado warnings and Flooding. I stayed up very late; the winds began just as I was heading to bed. It was hard to go to sleep thinking about the Tornado Warnings and the branches from the trees hitting my windows but I managed to finally fall asleep at about 3:30 am. I was sleeping so cannot truly tell the events that were going on outside my window, I can just guess that it was hard winds, branches falling, rain flooding the streets, lightening and the loudest, scariest thunder you have ever heard.

When I’m out, I’m out pretty hard usually. By the way I felt at 5 am I know I was extremely tired and mad that I was awaken. All I remember of the thoughts in my head before I was awakened was where I was and how I was feeling. I felt dreadful, scared out of my mind, with the fear of dying. I remember I was hearing that very loud booming sound in a desert far away. I remember I was tucked in a bunker, mask on and weapon raised. I remember I was terrified; anticipating the very next landing of the missile headed my way. I remember praying, probably for the first time in my life, that I make it through this day. And in the middle of my very scared thoughts, and my pleas of what I would do if I was spared my life, the thunder roared at a high altitude of noise and a branch fell into the road.

I rolled down, from my bed to the floor. Taking cover and I knew the next time that missile struck, I was going to be next, dead, shipped home from a body of sand. I was shaking, sweating, thinking of all my wrongs, and trying to figure out whether I should leave this spot or stay, like I could calculate the detonation of the next one. I was fearfully terrified because I was about to die. I sat there, my head hurting from all the stress, and my mind began to clear, and I noticed there wasn't another explosion. I saw lightening but the thunder wasn't too loud, rain was pouring and I was at home. I was on the floor, next to my bed and I was all alone. My body was still quivering but my fear was subsiding. I take notice in everything that happened and realized exactly what was happening.

Now if you are reading this and you don’t know what just happened to me, the storm caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Normally I would have never shared anything like this outside of therapy, but that was my old normal. Today I am mentally healthy, pretty much. I've grown in so many ways and truth be told it has been a very long time since that has happened to me. Little things still do every once in a while but today I have a strong support system in place and I have learned many coping skills from other people just like me. As soon as my head was clear last night and I realized I was home and not on a battle field in Iraq, I immediately grabbed for the closest paper and pen and I wrote down exactly how I was feeling and what happened. It took me a while to do it and a while to be able to go to sleep, but when I finished writing and I saw I wasn't completely better, I grabbed my tablet and turned on some relaxing meditation music. I lied there and thought about things for probably 2 hours but that’s OK because I did what I had to do to get through it. Most importantly I got through everything in a healthy positive way.And now I am even able to blog about it! :)

If you are a veteran and are having symptoms of PTSD and haven’t reached out for help please contact the VAMC closest to you and seek treatment. My hardest times were before I ever went there, before I even knew that I could. Visit their web-site @ www.va.org or call the veterans crisis line @ 1-800-273-8255 (press 1) Thank you for reading. Please comment, share and follow.